taming defeat or the nature of this business by Cory Haas

Maybe it’s because of today’s Brexit results, or maybe the insane heat wave that has swept over this part of France, where I am currently working to cushion the blow of the loan I’ve had to take to earn my Master’s degree, but today, I feel particularly defeated after, yet another, letter saying that I will not be getting a scholarship for my studies. I say yet another, but it isn't about always scholarships. It can be about not getting a role, not getting a job, not getting an opportunity, not getting a grant, not getting many things. That is the nature of this business.

I’ve always had a very can do drive when it comes to my directing/acting career. Some may call it a no bullshit approach or a ‘go big or go home’ attitude. I tend to get cautious of the people who tell other artists what the ‘specific’ approach to getting a job is and not simply a version of what they believe to work. I learned that lesson fairly early in my undergrad. I realized that there weren’t ultimate ways of succeeding but merely a myriad of ways of succeeding and a necessity for adaptability. At the end of the day, I am the one who is trying to get the god damn thing and I will strive for it in whatever way it pleases me, intelligently and bravely. 

I say this with confidence, not arrogance. I know what I am capable of. I’ve been lucky. I’ve worked hard and have gotten some great opportunities, many more than some probably get. I will stand by the way I approach projects, because it fulfills me. 

This being said. 

I’ve also been rejected. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many. Many.

times.

The ratio in somewhere in the range of 1:253. That’s one good piece of news to 253 letters telling me I am qualified but ultimately, not qualified enough. So how do I deal with it? 

Parents, friends, girlfriends, teachers, role models. They get a flurry of emails, texts, calls. Talking to them helps. They are your support system. They WORK.                For the first 253 emails.

The next 253, those are on you. On me. I have thick skin. I am ambitious, determined, the can do attitude I told you about earlier. It’s what I am proudest of. It gives me a full tank of gas. It gets me 500km on the highway. 

But here I am, the next 253, and the one after, and the one after. I am lost. I don’t know how to get out of this one. I have the conversation. The ‘should I go be a banker?’ conversation. No, I shouldn't because the flame is still lit in there, somewhere, but it’s there. I have other passions but this one is winning the race. This one excites me, invigorates me, makes me HARD for CHRIST SAKES. Sometimes these feelings are trapped under five very large, very heavy history text books, wrapped in a cute barbwire bow, guarded by a Trumpian? (Trumptastic?) wall, but they are there. I HAVE to remember that they are there. They will keep me going. Put my head down, work hard and believe in myself. Because when you have a goal, a real goal, one that gets you up in the morning, you stop at nothing to reach it.